Bastard on Holiday

I love holidays especially when i get to spend quality time with un familie. This year we went to Exmouth, luxury caravan for cheapness, easy access to beach and amenities etc etc. My main troubles about holidays is the closeness to "Others". This means that the expanse of distinctly unsexual bare flesh is directly sand blasted into the eyeball. Go to the beach and instead of beach babes you get the bare arse of 60 year old men or the bacon backs of grazing Macivores assaulting the senses. This is badness. Im not the most carved of hunks i'll admit but my flesh stays pretty much underneath the shirt and shorts combo due to the fact its not easy on the eye and im well aware of the dangers of direct sunlight on flesh. Holidays bring out the worst in the general population. Holiday makers have a "Beeline" attitude to either getting something or going somewhere, its like a commando course to get to the beach. Avoid the "Dad", this is the first time this year he has been aware of his odious offspring who cling to him via a pushchair or grasping sticky hands as they moan about either food or plastic shit they can buy at the shop. His work has been swapped from the Labour/Capital axis to that of child minder. He is not impressed as this is his holiday and he is not chilling out to copious gallons of lager and scoping the chicks like he did in Magaluf with his mates back in 1995. He is gently realising (through his thick head)that he is turning into his Dad and this makes his England Tattoo itch.
What is it with Holiday apparell? Dad has his ironed "fashion" England shirt (with the collar turned up) obligatory shaved head/shorts/Adidas trainer combo and male kids have same but with Nike/Reeboks. Females wear something that barely holds their norks in. The nork option can often be pleasing but often is not. The young teenage females will wear something akin to a Bangkok whore with young fullsome breasts swinging about happily as Dad keeps a keen eye out for poolside/beachfront perverts flexing his manual labour muscles under his football shirt.
Mr Bastard in his customary unreliableness parked the bastard mobile outside Exmouth college miles away from any beachfront action and while searching for it happened to observe the young patrons of this oddity of education. As a trained observer you cant help but categorise things into lists, a habit i might add my Doctor disproves of. Outside Exmouth college i observe the creature known as the "Mac-Surfer". Clad in layers of the latest surf wear males and females of this persuasion gather in groups to communicate and gesticulate at each other in strange ways unknown to myself. They obviously dont surf as they would be at the local break instead of at school. I humbly slot them into the same category as "Football man". But instead of the overly machismo attitude of Football man they have an intense laid back groove which they work hard on EXCEPT! on the subject of "Grockles" or the incipient "Townie" stereotype. This is seen often in shops and other places around the Devon and Cornwall coasts. The Townie is treated as contemptable but needed evil, sometimes you feel like a Namibian at a Klan rally. So local stereotyping flings both ways. My advice to all of them....football man, chill out bro, its not work you can relax. Instead of carting your kids around the arcades so they can blast your hard earned on milliseconds of videogame boredom, discover them again. Enjoy these precious seconds of peace where their little mannerisms and humour can make you laugh and cry, enjoy the aspects of family life you miss when your working all the hours God sends to keep a roof over your head. Enjoy your wife/girlfriend/partner as she is a Goddess who runs your life for you, without her you would be a tramp on the street. For that short few days treat her as you would royalty. Give her time to discover that she is indeed her own person and not a climbing frame for your offspring. Make sure her holiday is a period where she finds herself for a few hours. As for our Macsurfers instead of wearing the Corporate Surfgear spend some money buying a board and actually surfing. Fuck school it will still be there in a few years time when you're ready to learn. You're young, live on the coast, and beautiful what more can a person want. Be accepting of Townies and Grockles as they live in Hell holes and only want to experience a little slice of heaven you have all year.

Mr Bastard loves his Holidays, he flew his Kite, collected driftwood, told his daughter the names of every crab and plant she wanted to know. Showed his two lads
how to OWN!!!the video zombies with a Mac 10 and treated his wife like the Godess she is.