Cutting Lawns and Throats
I idly mowed the lawn watching the detritus of my area indulge in their hobbys of kicking the bus shelter windows and honking around on scooters with holes poked in the exhaust with screwdrivers. This makes them very loud and very annoying. I dont concentrate for a minute and mow next doors Daffodils by mistake.
Bono is locked with me in a padded cell and he is shitting himself with fear as i punch him in the face again and again. I swing him around by his ponytail kicking him in the face while i laugh.
There are many weeds in the lawn and a big muddy tyre mark where i parked the car one day by mistake. Jack Johnson was playing on the radio at the time. The cell door opens as i wipe Bonos blood off my face with a wet wipe, They throw Jack Johnson in. He's a mean fucker built strong with an undercurrent of nasty violence which belies his shitty songs. He punches me in the ear and it hurts bad but he goes too quickly for the knock out (did he used to box? he's quite good). He doesnt see Bono on the floor and trips over his inert form, i grab Johnson by his throat and hold on tight punching him in the back of his neck until he goes gaga. I think of his song "Good people" and kick him in the balls a few times while singing it as i laugh. I walk over and kick Bono in the balls as well, he moans.
My ear hurts and i think Johnson has busted my nose, it feels "detached". I count the daisies in the lawn, not so many this year, it was a wet winter. I hear shouting from corridor outside the cell door, the door opens and they throw in Chris Martin from Coldplay already suffering the beating he has recieved from "Them". This is not fair and i protest at the door grill, they blow pepper spray at me and laugh. I look at Chris Martin sobbing on the floor of the cell, they beat him good. I get a pen and write a big dollar sign on his palm and spit in his eye. I throw him on top of Bono and walk to the door, i look back and cant tell them apart. I look through the door grill to see who's next and my head explodes in a flash of pain as my forehead bounces off it. Fucking Jack Johnson is awake again and sneaked up on me, he has me in an arm lock around my throat. He is one strong bastard, stronger than me perhaps but not as clever as i grab his head and flip him over my shoulder ala Gracie brothers. He is shocked and dazed as i cuff his legs and wrists, he has hurt my shoulder, i think he's busted my collarbone.
The Kosovan from down the road walks past as i cut the lawn and grins at me, i ask him what he's fucking looking at and he crosses the road walking fast.
The door opens and "They" throw in James Blunt. Blunt thinks he knows unarmed combat and bounces around on the balls of his feet flicking out jabs that make my nose hurt as i follow him. He kicks me hard in the knee and i go down. James Blunt is kicking my ass. I am embarassed but have a secret weapon. Chris Martin attacks Blunt from behind and i headbutt Blunt in the balls. Blunt is down and i laugh as Martin gets a little violent on him.
Im tired and sit down next to Johnson, cuffed, laughs at Martin punching Blunt. I laugh too and think Johnson is an ok guy so i uncuff him and roll him a cigarette. We smoke and watch Martins really ineffectual blows on Blunts head. Bono moans, i think ive really hurt him but dont give a shit. The door opens and in comes Henry Rollins, i dont understand this as i like Rollins. He runs over to Bono and cuts his throat, he apologises to me for breaking into my fantasy, but he had to do it. He is dressed as a prison warder and busts Martin over the head with his nightstick as he walks out the door singing "Damaged part 2". Three prison guards walk in and they are a bandy legged Keith Morris of the Circle Jerks, and two members of Slipknot. They take out Bonos lifeless useless carcass and then pull me to my feet. I say goodbye to Jack Johnson (i like him and may download his album) i kick Blunt in the face as i am dragged past him by the guards. The corridor smells of piss and boiled cabbage and i see Lemmy from Motorhead shoving Bonos body down a laundry chute. Keith Morris kicks me into another cell and slams the door,this cell is clean, they must have hosed it down. My shoulder hurts.
I sit and roll another cigarette even though my throat is dry and itchy, it makes me cough and as i hack. I see the door open and in walks Britney Spears dressed in tight latex and big spike heeled boots.
To fuck Britney go to page 189
To set fire to Britneys hair go to page 48
To plot escape with Britney go to page 129
You choose!
An ice cream van playing Danny Boy jingles pulls up at the end of my drive and i drop the mower and look forward to a cone........
Bono is locked with me in a padded cell and he is shitting himself with fear as i punch him in the face again and again. I swing him around by his ponytail kicking him in the face while i laugh.
There are many weeds in the lawn and a big muddy tyre mark where i parked the car one day by mistake. Jack Johnson was playing on the radio at the time. The cell door opens as i wipe Bonos blood off my face with a wet wipe, They throw Jack Johnson in. He's a mean fucker built strong with an undercurrent of nasty violence which belies his shitty songs. He punches me in the ear and it hurts bad but he goes too quickly for the knock out (did he used to box? he's quite good). He doesnt see Bono on the floor and trips over his inert form, i grab Johnson by his throat and hold on tight punching him in the back of his neck until he goes gaga. I think of his song "Good people" and kick him in the balls a few times while singing it as i laugh. I walk over and kick Bono in the balls as well, he moans.
My ear hurts and i think Johnson has busted my nose, it feels "detached". I count the daisies in the lawn, not so many this year, it was a wet winter. I hear shouting from corridor outside the cell door, the door opens and they throw in Chris Martin from Coldplay already suffering the beating he has recieved from "Them". This is not fair and i protest at the door grill, they blow pepper spray at me and laugh. I look at Chris Martin sobbing on the floor of the cell, they beat him good. I get a pen and write a big dollar sign on his palm and spit in his eye. I throw him on top of Bono and walk to the door, i look back and cant tell them apart. I look through the door grill to see who's next and my head explodes in a flash of pain as my forehead bounces off it. Fucking Jack Johnson is awake again and sneaked up on me, he has me in an arm lock around my throat. He is one strong bastard, stronger than me perhaps but not as clever as i grab his head and flip him over my shoulder ala Gracie brothers. He is shocked and dazed as i cuff his legs and wrists, he has hurt my shoulder, i think he's busted my collarbone.
The Kosovan from down the road walks past as i cut the lawn and grins at me, i ask him what he's fucking looking at and he crosses the road walking fast.
The door opens and "They" throw in James Blunt. Blunt thinks he knows unarmed combat and bounces around on the balls of his feet flicking out jabs that make my nose hurt as i follow him. He kicks me hard in the knee and i go down. James Blunt is kicking my ass. I am embarassed but have a secret weapon. Chris Martin attacks Blunt from behind and i headbutt Blunt in the balls. Blunt is down and i laugh as Martin gets a little violent on him.
Im tired and sit down next to Johnson, cuffed, laughs at Martin punching Blunt. I laugh too and think Johnson is an ok guy so i uncuff him and roll him a cigarette. We smoke and watch Martins really ineffectual blows on Blunts head. Bono moans, i think ive really hurt him but dont give a shit. The door opens and in comes Henry Rollins, i dont understand this as i like Rollins. He runs over to Bono and cuts his throat, he apologises to me for breaking into my fantasy, but he had to do it. He is dressed as a prison warder and busts Martin over the head with his nightstick as he walks out the door singing "Damaged part 2". Three prison guards walk in and they are a bandy legged Keith Morris of the Circle Jerks, and two members of Slipknot. They take out Bonos lifeless useless carcass and then pull me to my feet. I say goodbye to Jack Johnson (i like him and may download his album) i kick Blunt in the face as i am dragged past him by the guards. The corridor smells of piss and boiled cabbage and i see Lemmy from Motorhead shoving Bonos body down a laundry chute. Keith Morris kicks me into another cell and slams the door,this cell is clean, they must have hosed it down. My shoulder hurts.
I sit and roll another cigarette even though my throat is dry and itchy, it makes me cough and as i hack. I see the door open and in walks Britney Spears dressed in tight latex and big spike heeled boots.
To fuck Britney go to page 189
To set fire to Britneys hair go to page 48
To plot escape with Britney go to page 129
You choose!
An ice cream van playing Danny Boy jingles pulls up at the end of my drive and i drop the mower and look forward to a cone........
posted by Gravity Bastard at 12:34 AM
2 Comments:
i have fantasies about killing
1) the lighthouse family,
2) mark simpson (the nemesis)
3) gaylord skaters
4) the terrain
5) some new wheels
6) paul daniels and his Mrs
7) the knob at work who keeps looking me up and down and shaking his rolex at me
8) celine dion
9) killing celine dion twice
10) and a 3rd time just to make sure.
aint skaters weird, aint milk great
are green wheels faster than white ones,is joel king pregnant?,will he or wont he ?
out
Toxic
That list of characters in my killing fantasies are "fuckinghuge"
Lighthouse Family? Yeah easily along with M people.
Mark Simpson? He's a knob isnt he? Yeah to the Death Pit.
Gaylord Skaters? My mate Chutney is the biggest Gaylord skater with thinning long blonde hair and low top Vans slip ons. He is King of Gaylord Land. So no somebody must still listen to Rush, Boston and Journey AND KNOW EVERY WORD!!!!!!!
Terrain? Always try our best man.
New wheels? No new wheels must be caressed and cherished and smelled and the law is you must spend three days looking at your new wheels on the deck before you ride it.
Daniels? Yeah the bald headed tit, i'd bone his wife first tho'
Knob at work? Naah go outside and do a shit on the bonnet of his car or if he's carless do it in his brief case. He'll fucking love it hahahahahahaha.
Celine Dion? I am not proud in saying i would pork Celine Dion.
The undulating folds of the landscape which is Joels gut, like a dynamic glacier deffo pregnant.....i think its Bens.
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